So, it took me some time to decide what was the first topic I wanted to share, and then it was pretty easy. What do you do after you play? You clean up the mess; you do Aftercare.
When I started my first D/s relationship two years ago, I wanted to make sure I was doing things right. My Sir was also new, as I was the one that introduced him to kink, so I started doing all the research I could, and then I first stumbled upon the term Aftercare in on of Evie Lupine´s videos on YT. As soon as I heard about it, I looked it up to make sure I understood well.
You see, pop culture shows mostly the sensual and exotic part of BDSM, but it often fails to portrait the most tender and private elements of it. And even if they attempt to do so, they miserably fail as the characters sleep away in a post-sex cuddle. In my opinion cuddles are hardly consider proper aftercare (tho they are very well received), especially after a particularly rough scene.
Now, aftercare is different for everyone, some may even need more work than others, and sometimes it may not be extremely necessary, as when you are in a rush to finish the scene before your roommate comes home. But eventually, it will be needed.
Speaking of my experience, as I am not an educator, I always have some sort of Aftercare, even if we just have vanilla sex. And it is one thing that I had asked Sir to do since we started our sexual relationship; “Please, after sex, clean me up and put clean underwear on”, and I’m happy to say he does so 99.99% of the times. But of course, that is not enough aftercare, it’s truly just a tender petition I made.
Let’s say we have a scene. Degradation, chocking, impact and sex. What happens after? Usually this:
First, my Sir will lay me down on bed or a couch, then he will proceed to clean himself of any residue of cum, and do the same to me. He cleans his hands and then my V-zone with wet wipes. Sir takes off any restrains and/or play collar to mark the end of the scene, and he hand to me a stuffed animal if there is any nearby. He gives me water and puts clean clothes on, then he cuddles next to me while telling me how I did well. We cuddle, and when I feel better we start talking honestly about the likes and dislikes of the scene, and it is here when we share the Aftercare.
If it’s not too late, I ask him if he wants some food and I give him a beverage. If we need to, we take a shower and clean each other, and then we cuddle again and sleep or watch some Netflix. Can you see?
Aftercare is not only for subs, Doms need it as well. Inflicting pain and enjoy it can be just as exhausting as receiving it. “How am I a good person if I like slapping you?” So it is also the job of the sub to take care of the Dom so they don’t fall in Topdrop.
“But, wait, what if my Dom/sub doesn’t give me Aftercare?” I would like to point out three things I have noticed:
- Have you talked to them about it? Sometimes we expect our partners to be mind readers, when they, in fact, are just humans. Maybe talk it out with them, they may not be aware it’s a thing, especially for new kinksters. Sit them down and talk about each other’s needs.
- Do they refuse to have Aftercare? This is a though one, as we don’t want to think that the person we love may not want the best for us, but maybe you will have to consider that they don’t give you Aftercare because they are not looking to be good Doms/subs, I would advise you to reflect on your relationship and make sure you are not just being used (and not in a good way) for someone else’s pleasure without thinking of your needs. Look for signs of abuse.
- Have you been doing your part as well? As I stated before, Aftercare is about sharing and caring. Think about your partner and their wellbeing too. Maybe if you start giving them they care they need, they will make it up for you too.
Finally, I advise you to think of the things your partner likes. If you have a hard time in thinking about Aftercare, you could make a kit that will help you with it. There are so many things you can include in it.
- Stuffed animals
- Bath salts
- Pacifiers (for Littles)
- Soothing creams and gels
Also, very important, a first aid kit! I never really need to heal wounds as our scenes can’t be too elaborate where we live, but healing wounds is also very important when doing Aftercare.
Finally, get creative! You can have some sweet snacks in a little box, some movies, anything that helps you both feel better will do the trick.
Thank you so much for reading! Leave a comment of what your thoughts are about this topic, and you can also share your Aftercare experience with me. What is your “must do” for Aftercare?
***Note: This post was originally posted on April 2018***